Happy New Year

Happy New Year
by Dee D. Stewart

Here we go again, Lord God, almighty. Rest assured I’m sincere this year.
Your girl is going to lose that weight come first thing smoking this new year.
I ain’t joking, Lord God almighty. For sure.
See. Baby Doll needs a daddy.
Yeah, I know.
She has a daddy. What I mean is she needs a good one.
Yea. Uh-huh. You know what I’m talking.
I’m going to do it for real. Stop eating. Stop cooking. Stop whatever.
‘Cause my thirty-two is starting to look like fifty-two.
And Beyonce, Halle, and Oprah needs a run for their money.
It’s hard enough competing with these cheerleading candy stripers all over town, let alone all the new celebrities moving into Suwanee, Alpharetta, and what not.
Mama, needs to compete.
And I need you to help me.

Why now?

Ttt...Lord, please tell me you had something to do with that new church that’s set up shop down the street.

Which one?

Lord God, almighty. That big glass looking icicle up Sugarloaf Parkway--The Atlanta Cathedral.
Bishop Gerome “He’s so fine He blows my mind” Alexander pastor and CEO, according to this business card one his Alexanderlites places in my hand the other day over, while I was shopping in Krogers.
Now you know the one I’m talking about?
Well...good. So you see my predicament.
The man can’t see me when my entourage is a moving tent.

What about Baby Doll?

Like I said, Baby Doll needs a daddy. And Bishop Gerome “He’ s so--

What does she want from all this?

Baby Doll’s six-years-old. All she wants is a Cabbage Patch and 24/7 Disney Channel.

What about what she needs?

She’s getting her needs met. And when I drop this quick fifty, she’ll get more than that.

What about me?

Wait a minute now. I’m asking you to help me, so that I won’t keep having to bother you all the time. I’m doing this for you.

How?

So as to free up your time so that you can rescue people from natural disasters, world hunger, AIDS, fake wars, real wars...What?

Why don’t I stop eating for you?
What?
Oh.
Hmmm. Never thought of that.
You say if I give up feeding myself with food to please my appetite and instead feed myself with you to please my soul; then I can have more than a daddy for Baby Doll and I won’t have to compete with the Alexanderlites.
I don’t know...

Why not give it a try?

Because--no offense--that doesn’t motivate me. I need to feel a man holding me, wanting me and vice versa. I need to see my daughter go to sleep without worrying me to death about monsters in the closet. Shoot. I need a little help. She’s handful. Shoot. I’m a handful.
I don’t want to be alone. And Baby Doll doesn’t count.
Yeah, I know. I’m being selfish, but why can’t I have somebody for me for a change?
There’s two of me, because I need a companion. Look at me.

That‘s not the reason.

Because I don’t have faith in your companionship?
Tttt...I should’ve kept my resolution to myself.

“What if I kept my resolution to myself?” HE speaks clearly now. “What if I gave up the cross for a young girl I met in the market once. Or to take a position with the chief priests? What if I gave up everything I am to you now for my own ambition?”

Then I wouldn’t have Baby Doll.

Yep. And?

Or my health...

And?

Atlanta Cathedral, Bishop Gerome,

AND?

Oh...you?

The only friend who would listen to your crap 24/7.

I said I was a handful.
OK. More than a handful.
OK. I get your point.
Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to you, too. And by the way--the church around the corner--the small one that you pass everyday has Overeaters Anonymous. If you’re interested.