Reflections on Parenting Selah

In five days my four-year-old daughter will be five. And I am in tears about it.
Five years ago my life travelled down a mind blowing, life altering shame spiral.
I was homeless, living in a battered woman's shelter, pregnant & talking to a priest about it all. I began my walk with the Lord when I was eleven-years-old. But somewhere between 23 and 25 I walked away for no good reason now that I look back over it. I had reached a point in my life when I thought I knew everything I needed to know about God.
Yeah. Young and stupid.
But for whatever reason God stood where I left him all that time, waiting for me to come back and take his hand.
When I had my daughter I drew a line in the sand. She would grow up the right way or I'd die trying. Little did I know that this line almost killed me.
For five years I have lived with two chronic illnesses both developed during and after my pregnancy. I am a lupus survivor and I live with a weakened heart that functions on goood days 40% of a normal heart. So I sit here and cry, because my doctor's told me that I wouldn't get to see Selah turn three. But I'm here and stronger than ever. I work out almost everyday not to lose weight(look at my picture. I'm plump) but because my heart requires it, in order to look normal to everyone else. This time is not just my daughter's birth day, but my rebirth day.
I had to resign from my high paying, total stressed out job to becoming a mommy and part-time writer. I am very thankful to have met all of you, who have dropped by my blog. I am very thankful to my fiancee, who wants to marry me despite of my poverty, health, and parental responsibilites. I am very thankful, for writing. Getting things out releaves the heart. I am very thankful to still be on this Earth, tucking my baby in, and feeling excited about what's in the future. I hope its a novel that I feel confident enough to submit to an editor. I hope its watching my daughter have her own children. Whatever it will be, I will be thankful. I will write about it and treasure it.

Writing to see what the end gon' be,
Dee