This weekend I was forced to step down from leading my girlscout troop. Parents felt that I could no longer lead their girls, and I agree. I am not who I was last year. Back then I wanted to reclaim my suburban life--the one I had before I became disabled. I wanted my husband back. I wanted a new home. I wanted people to stop judging me because I don't have money, I can't work, I can't give the latest, trendiest toys, clothes, things to Selah. I hated her teachers judging her because I am poor and black. I hated having constantly explain why I'm poor. I wanted more than anything to move into house and be treated like somebody that mattered.
So I joined PTA, GirlScouts, a popular neighborhood church and tried to live a good, promising life. At the same time I lost my time to write, my time to pray, my time to enjoy my family. And eventually my common sense. I began making careless mistakes, not getting enough sleep, and losing a child.
Last month my second child should have been burn. On it's birthday I made myself stop and think about my life. Is this the life God has for me? Or am I trying to make myself fit into a world I wasn't created to be a part of in the first place.
I asked God to make me over. Remove what needs to be removed from my life. Now I didn't know that would mean having Girl Scout Parents hate me, making me stupid mistakes, getting sick or leaving Rico again. I don't want to leave him, but I can't live with him without God and I don't think he knows what that means, because I don't know how to define what that means. I'm at my mother's house writing my novel with Selah and wondering should I ever go back home. While here I just read an article in Christian Women Today featuring author, Lisa Samson. She speaks about leaving the suburbs and how she is reconnected with God and her family. I need to feel that. I want you read this article. I want you to pray for me and my family. Please.
The Pruning Principle
2 years ago
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