Dee's Devotional:10.10.05

Bible verse for thought: 1 Samuel 3: 3-10. Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.

Who in their right mind wishes to write christian fiction? The past four days I have watched the screenplay adaption of Nicholas Sparks' "A Walk to Remember." I like it better than the book, which is odd. It's usually the reverse. What I liked most about it was how the story spoke on faith. Jamie's faith in God. Her faith in Landon. Landon's mother faith in his father. Jamie's father's faith tested. Faith in friendship. Everything. And this faith has been eating at me pretty bad.
My life like most isn't storybook. I feel like little Peter in "Finding Neverland" right about now. Who gives a flying flip about make believe?
Today I did my first official business as a Daisy Scout Leader and I failed at it. I'm so embarrassed by the blunder, I want to drop out and save face. That's also how I feel about writing creatively.
I don't want my first novel to suck rocks. I don't want to miss the point God wanted to make. Many times I feel like I'm not worthy enough to write anything worthy or good. My life isn't storybook.
Sixteen years ago--half of my life ago--I remember wondering and making plans regarding how my life would be at 32. I accomplished none of those goals: to be an architect, have a phd, marry, have kids. Well...I did have The Kid--Selah. She surpasses my expectations everyday. Which makes me feel even worse, because I just made a blunder with her Daisy Troop. This self-loathing is a demon. I should be reworking through my second draft, reading a novel, something inspiring. But I'm here berating myself for being lackluster and trying to talk myself out of something only a freak like me could do for free--that is tell stories.
This month in church we are looking at recognizing God's voice. I came forward during altar call, bent down at the chancel rail and begged God to open my ears. As I type, I hear him talking to me. Be silent. Be patient. Believe. Be. Believe...This faith thing is hard.
If you haven't done so, stop by faith*in*fiction blog this week. I've posted about it today already. When I'm not being silent with God, pushing myself to clean up this novel or trying to back out of this Girl Scout committment, I will be there renewing my faith not only in my purpose as a Christian, but as a writer.

Writing to see what the end's gon' be,
Dee